Incomplete.

I don't know how to feel. All I know is that beneath the thin layer of normality in my recent emotions, everything is still there. All the hurt, all the anger. I feel as if it's being kept at bay by some artificial, unnatural process. I don't like it. The hurt that you dealt delved a deep crater in my heart, and I don't think i can ever fill it in. Ever. I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like a thin, sickly shadow of my former self, even when these emotions are partially at kept at bay.

Why did you do this? I would never wish this pain upon anyone in my life. Yet you so nonchalantly dole it out. I don't see how you can be okay with hurting me like this. I don't see how you can just damage people and move on like it didn't happen. One day you'll learn that's not how life works.

Romans 12:19-Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.

All I want to do is take my own revenge. But I need to let go. I need to let God do his work. But that's so much easier said than done. God, help me let go of this bitterness, this anger, however justified it may be. Help me let go.

Ping Pong.

I'm playing ping pong with my emotions right now. There are three players, unlike a traditional game of ping pong. These players happen to be named anger, sadness and faith. And right now the ball is bouncing wildly between the three. It's terribly confusing.

Anger, I admit with no pride whatsoever, is in the lead. Anger's first name happens be jealousy by the way, but you probably already figured that out. It seems to be all consuming, when it takes over, I want nothing but to make a certain person's life hell. And I hate to say it, but in the moment, it feels good. It seems like the only thing I can do to gain control of my situation. That by no means makes it right, or true for that matter. All I want to do when i feel like this is tell the person to never speak to me again, to tell them how wrong they are, to tell them how horrible of a person they are. I pretty much just want to inflict as much hurt as possible. Thankfully, I have friends that keep me from acting on most of these impulses. But it's always in the background, relentlessly trying to crawl to the surface and rear its disgusting head.

Second is sadness. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I really didn't have time to come up with a better word. As it is now, anger has become the dominant feeling in my head, and all the feelings of despair and such have taken a backseat. But they are still there, nonetheless. And I can feel them. I am thankful for the anger in a way, because it almost numbs out all the depression. But it doesn't mean it's less painful. And I know that just beneath the coating of red that is rage, there lies a vast ocean of complete loss, totally void of hope. I feel the minute that this temporary shield of rage falters, I will drown in that ocean. I'm not going to go much further into this, because if you've read my previous entries, you know all about this. If you haven't, then feel free to.

Last, but by no means because it's less important, is faith. My faith in God. My faith that this is all for the best. This will sound stupid, but my friend showed me a song by Relient K called "Let it All Out", and this one line has kept me going, from being consumed by all these terrible emotions:

And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

I pray this is the case. I Pray that all this pain that God is putting me through has a bigger purpose. And part of me believes it wholeheartedly. That's what keeps me going. I just need to make sure this part of me prevails. I have a feeling that regardless of the outcome, or how terrible I feel now, this will bolster my faith in God.

All I can do right now is attempt to move on and take this chance to really strengthen my relationship with God. This by no means suggests that I'm ok with the situation, but I will push on nonetheless. Let's finish this up with some words from my friend Jeremy:

I gave you everything I had, until I had nothing left.
And Still you act as if I’m just a burden.
I’ve finally let go.
Let go
Let go

P.S. To anyone who is reading this or has read my blog thus far, I humbly thank you. It means a lot knowing that anyone cares enough to take a peek.

Heartless.

And I’ll close my eyes, and I’ll dream of a better time
when I’ll finally be past this and I'll be happy on my own.
I’ve done all I can, still the one to have been cast aside.
All I ever wanted to be was be the one who’d wipe those tears from your eyes.
You tell me that you care, and then you run straight back to him.
I can hear your voice of treason from a mile away.

You literally make me sick. It's been one day since we spoke.

I literally feel physically ill. I cannot fathom the amount of pure disregard for human emotion it takes to do what you did. Don't pretend you didn't know I would find out.

HOW DARE YOU.

You let me sing you to sleep. You lied with me, rested your head on my shoulder. Put your arms around me. Told me you love me. As you cried, you told me you don't know right from wrong. You said you're just so confused. A week ago you told me you weren't ready to be with anyone. Now a guy says that God told him he's going to marry you and you're all over him. Regardless if that is the deciding reason, you played me.

How dare you.

How dare you give me that hope, how dare you play me like that. "You can plan on seeing me new years". Riiiiiiiiight. Were you planning on having me call on Christmas to wish you happy holidays, and breaking it to me right there, ruining the entire day for me? Or were you going to do it on new years, and shatter any semblance of hope or excitement I might have right then and there? Whether or not you saw it coming, or if it was already happening, you freaking played me. I showed you my hand, I gave everything to you, and you screwed me over. I was right from the very start.

I know I hurt you, but I guarantee you that wasn't a fraction of what you have done. You say you love me, and you do this.

How is it that you were so confused two nights ago, and all of the sudden things cleared up? One of two things could explain that. You were either A) lying to my face or B) you're still really confused. Either way, you made a bad choice. There's no way you suddenly had an epiphany in the past two days. Even then, you're the one who told me not even a week ago that you didn't want to be in any relationship. "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!!!" you told me. Riiiiiiight. And I wonder at the same time if he knows how you were with me, how we were when we hung out together, less than a week ago. Are you playing him as well? I'd love to see how you explain that.

There is no explanation that you can fabricate to make this an acceptable endeavor. None. You know the saddest part of this all? You could call me right now, tell me you wanted me back, and I would come running. I would jump through hoops to get you back, even now. That's how strong of a hold you have on me. Because deep down, I truly love you. Is that right, especially given the circumstances? I don't know, but that love is still there.

Is writing this the right thing to do? No, but I honestly feel like I am going to explode if i don't get it out somehow. I need this release. I need to let you know I'm not ok. Maybe it will help me get over it, more than likely it won't. Part of me doesn't even want to publish this, part of me still has hope that one day we'll still be together. I'm so freaking pathetic. God, please help me.

And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Lord, please let this be true.

Panic.

I sit here watching a movie where the main character botched a relationship up in their early years. Years later the woman he was with is married to someone else, and the main character is talking about how it should have been him. How he could have been the one married to her, how they could have been his kids. And how unhappy he is with his life.

I know it's just a movie, but this scares the freaking crap out of me. Please don't let that be me in 10 years. Please God, please. I want to look back on my past without regret Without this sinking feeling that I won't ever be happy. Please don't let my one chance be gone. That scares me more than anything. It makes me feel terribly hopeless.

Belief.

I have to believe God will make this right. I have to believe God will do what's best. I have to believe that he will work through me and make me a better person.

If I can't, then I honestly do not know what I will do.

I can't live like this. I feel like I've lost part of my being, and that that part of me will never come back. And I don't want to live without it. I don't want to live incomplete. I don't want to go on in life with a hole in my heart. So I beg of God to complete me, to fill in that gap. And I feel I get nothing in return.

What do I do from here?

I feel like every single time I escape the grasp of this all encompassing plethora of emotions, I get sucked right back in within the hour. Oh God, what do I do? I'm helpless. I can't, I just can't live life like this. All I want to do is take back every wrong that I've done to cause this. But I'm trapped knowing I can't. I'm trapped knowing that this is all my own doing, that this pain I'm feeling, every single bit of it is MY fault.

Even now I feel jealousy, despair and self hatred creeping in. One would think writing all of this would be liberating, but as I think about the future, every single one of these feelings grips me in tandem. It's horrifying. It's absolutely terrible to think that you ruined your future, your chance at happiness.

I don't know what to do. After i finish writing this I'm going to go try and read, if I can even clear my mind enough to do that. I've never been able to not read. It's always been my escape, my home away from home. Now it's just a pitiful little shanty in the middle of nowhere, absolutely useless. I feel as if I will never escape this. I could try to sleep, but I can't. I simply can't. Scratch that, I can't even try to sleep. I literally have to exhaust myself to even consider it. I'm afraid of the thoughts going through my own head. I'm afraid to lie there alone.

I just want it back God. Why does the one thing that makes me truly happy have to be so close yet so far. I know they aren't doing it on purpose, I know that. I know that it's the last thing they would ever consider. But why does this have to hurt so much. WHY? It's not just hurt, it's desperation. It's jealousy. Jealousy like I've never felt before. It rips through my senses, through my thoughts. When I am in the grip of it, nothing else matters. I CAN NOT have that.

Why can't I just be happy that they're happy? WHY AM I PLAGUED BY MY OWN SELFISHNESS? God please, please just take that from me. It's ruining me, it's hurting my loved ones. It's killing me from the inside. Please God, make me whole again, shape me in your image God. I don't want this life. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be this person anymore.

All I am is a monster.

Make me whole God.

Woe.

All I can do is marinate in these feelings of hopelessness and loss. I drive around listening to songs that I know will remind me of you. Pathetic.

These nights aren't the same without you in them.

Sick.

This is when it hits hardest. When I'm alone at night and I have time to think. And I'm not even really sure if it's sunk in yet that I will never get another chance. How sad is that? Even after what happened, I still hang on to some bogus, miniscule idea that we'll be together one day.

It hurts so much. It seems like it was so easy for you to move past me onto the next. Maybe you just got lucky. Maybe your feelings for me weren't as deeply rooted as you believed. Either way, It was my own fault and i can't get past it. I can't get past thinking about what could be if i hadn't screwed things over so badly. And at the same time, I can't help but feel this terrible anger because you already moved on. The same anger that finally pushed you over the edge. The same one that proved to be my own undoing. Even now i can't get past it. Pathetic.

I just want those nights with you back. The ones when we were just happy to be together. The ones when you told me how safe you felt with me. I want them so badly. I want to take back all the times I ignored and neglected you. I would do anything for that. I can't let go of the fact that I ruined something I once held so dear. I took it for granted. What a freaking gargantuan mistake.

It's so easy for someone to tell me that if God meant it to be, it would be. It's so easy. But In my mind it is nothing short of impossible to not feel that I screwed up my life, what I wanted to be my future. It haunts me.

The fact that just about everything you said about me is true makes it even more confusing. It makes me loathe myself even more for what I've done. I feel like even if I, by some sort of miracle, could forget about you and move on today I would sabotage any future relationship I could have-scratch that, I know I would. And I feel helpless. Helpless to the fact that I would do anything to have you in my life, yet nothing will suffice. Helpless to the fact that, in the end, almost all my relationships, with friends, family, girls will most likely end the same way if something doesn't change. And I don't know how to change. That's the worst part. I feel completely incapable of a change like this. I feel hopeless.

I am wholly consumed by these emotions of despondency and anger in these moments. I don't have the tools equipped to deal with this. The thought of going on without you makes me sick.