Eyes Open

I botched things up, very badly, and i know that. Last night was a total disaster, and it was my fault. Everything these past couple weeks has been my fault.

On some sick level, I knew it would eventually come to this. Why? Because I was to much of a coward to do what was right when I had the chance. I was too afraid to face the feeling of being alone and feeling jealous and betrayed. I didn't want to stop talking, because it was difficult, and it hurt. It left me vulnerable and out of control of the situation and I hated that feeling. In the end it turned out exactly the same, but in the process i screwed things up even more. I guess I just never learn.

You were right about almost everything you said last night. It was all too familiar. It's not the first time I've heard it from someone close to me. And God, it hurt. The feeling of hopelessness and being lost really hits home when you realize how messed up you are, and how incapable you feel (or actually are) of changing it. I can only hope that this time I'll learn. That this time it will be different. God I hope.

I'm sorry for everything that happened, and though you may be upset, my feelings have not changed. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, or want to speak again, but that's my own fault. I can only pray to God that I will come to forgive myself.

On a slightly lighter note, thank you God, for putting a great friend in my life, as well as great parents. I tend to overlook and underestimate both, but when i needed them, they were right there for me, and I am forever grateful.

All I can do now is pray, get closer to God and hope that I can regain some semblance of a sleep schedule after these past few weeks.

Philippians 4:6-Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.