This is when it hits hardest. When I'm alone at night and I have time to think. And I'm not even really sure if it's sunk in yet that I will never get another chance. How sad is that? Even after what happened, I still hang on to some bogus, miniscule idea that we'll be together one day.
It hurts so much. It seems like it was so easy for you to move past me onto the next. Maybe you just got lucky. Maybe your feelings for me weren't as deeply rooted as you believed. Either way, It was my own fault and i can't get past it. I can't get past thinking about what could be if i hadn't screwed things over so badly. And at the same time, I can't help but feel this terrible anger because you already moved on. The same anger that finally pushed you over the edge. The same one that proved to be my own undoing. Even now i can't get past it. Pathetic.
I just want those nights with you back. The ones when we were just happy to be together. The ones when you told me how safe you felt with me. I want them so badly. I want to take back all the times I ignored and neglected you. I would do anything for that. I can't let go of the fact that I ruined something I once held so dear. I took it for granted. What a freaking gargantuan mistake.
It's so easy for someone to tell me that if God meant it to be, it would be. It's so easy. But In my mind it is nothing short of impossible to not feel that I screwed up my life, what I wanted to be my future. It haunts me.
The fact that just about everything you said about me is true makes it even more confusing. It makes me loathe myself even more for what I've done. I feel like even if I, by some sort of miracle, could forget about you and move on today I would sabotage any future relationship I could have-scratch that, I know I would. And I feel helpless. Helpless to the fact that I would do anything to have you in my life, yet nothing will suffice. Helpless to the fact that, in the end, almost all my relationships, with friends, family, girls will most likely end the same way if something doesn't change. And I don't know how to change. That's the worst part. I feel completely incapable of a change like this. I feel hopeless.
I am wholly consumed by these emotions of despondency and anger in these moments. I don't have the tools equipped to deal with this. The thought of going on without you makes me sick.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Eyes Open
I botched things up, very badly, and i know that. Last night was a total disaster, and it was my fault. Everything these past couple weeks has been my fault.
On some sick level, I knew it would eventually come to this. Why? Because I was to much of a coward to do what was right when I had the chance. I was too afraid to face the feeling of being alone and feeling jealous and betrayed. I didn't want to stop talking, because it was difficult, and it hurt. It left me vulnerable and out of control of the situation and I hated that feeling. In the end it turned out exactly the same, but in the process i screwed things up even more. I guess I just never learn.
You were right about almost everything you said last night. It was all too familiar. It's not the first time I've heard it from someone close to me. And God, it hurt. The feeling of hopelessness and being lost really hits home when you realize how messed up you are, and how incapable you feel (or actually are) of changing it. I can only hope that this time I'll learn. That this time it will be different. God I hope.
I'm sorry for everything that happened, and though you may be upset, my feelings have not changed. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, or want to speak again, but that's my own fault. I can only pray to God that I will come to forgive myself.
On a slightly lighter note, thank you God, for putting a great friend in my life, as well as great parents. I tend to overlook and underestimate both, but when i needed them, they were right there for me, and I am forever grateful.
All I can do now is pray, get closer to God and hope that I can regain some semblance of a sleep schedule after these past few weeks.
Philippians 4:6-Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
On some sick level, I knew it would eventually come to this. Why? Because I was to much of a coward to do what was right when I had the chance. I was too afraid to face the feeling of being alone and feeling jealous and betrayed. I didn't want to stop talking, because it was difficult, and it hurt. It left me vulnerable and out of control of the situation and I hated that feeling. In the end it turned out exactly the same, but in the process i screwed things up even more. I guess I just never learn.
You were right about almost everything you said last night. It was all too familiar. It's not the first time I've heard it from someone close to me. And God, it hurt. The feeling of hopelessness and being lost really hits home when you realize how messed up you are, and how incapable you feel (or actually are) of changing it. I can only hope that this time I'll learn. That this time it will be different. God I hope.
I'm sorry for everything that happened, and though you may be upset, my feelings have not changed. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, or want to speak again, but that's my own fault. I can only pray to God that I will come to forgive myself.
On a slightly lighter note, thank you God, for putting a great friend in my life, as well as great parents. I tend to overlook and underestimate both, but when i needed them, they were right there for me, and I am forever grateful.
All I can do now is pray, get closer to God and hope that I can regain some semblance of a sleep schedule after these past few weeks.
Philippians 4:6-Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Hi there.
My name is Chris Costanza, and I have never had a blog before. Due to recent events and stress, i figured it might help to blog a bit. Who knows how it will go.
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