Sick.

This is when it hits hardest. When I'm alone at night and I have time to think. And I'm not even really sure if it's sunk in yet that I will never get another chance. How sad is that? Even after what happened, I still hang on to some bogus, miniscule idea that we'll be together one day.

It hurts so much. It seems like it was so easy for you to move past me onto the next. Maybe you just got lucky. Maybe your feelings for me weren't as deeply rooted as you believed. Either way, It was my own fault and i can't get past it. I can't get past thinking about what could be if i hadn't screwed things over so badly. And at the same time, I can't help but feel this terrible anger because you already moved on. The same anger that finally pushed you over the edge. The same one that proved to be my own undoing. Even now i can't get past it. Pathetic.

I just want those nights with you back. The ones when we were just happy to be together. The ones when you told me how safe you felt with me. I want them so badly. I want to take back all the times I ignored and neglected you. I would do anything for that. I can't let go of the fact that I ruined something I once held so dear. I took it for granted. What a freaking gargantuan mistake.

It's so easy for someone to tell me that if God meant it to be, it would be. It's so easy. But In my mind it is nothing short of impossible to not feel that I screwed up my life, what I wanted to be my future. It haunts me.

The fact that just about everything you said about me is true makes it even more confusing. It makes me loathe myself even more for what I've done. I feel like even if I, by some sort of miracle, could forget about you and move on today I would sabotage any future relationship I could have-scratch that, I know I would. And I feel helpless. Helpless to the fact that I would do anything to have you in my life, yet nothing will suffice. Helpless to the fact that, in the end, almost all my relationships, with friends, family, girls will most likely end the same way if something doesn't change. And I don't know how to change. That's the worst part. I feel completely incapable of a change like this. I feel hopeless.

I am wholly consumed by these emotions of despondency and anger in these moments. I don't have the tools equipped to deal with this. The thought of going on without you makes me sick.