Belief.

I have to believe God will make this right. I have to believe God will do what's best. I have to believe that he will work through me and make me a better person.

If I can't, then I honestly do not know what I will do.

I can't live like this. I feel like I've lost part of my being, and that that part of me will never come back. And I don't want to live without it. I don't want to live incomplete. I don't want to go on in life with a hole in my heart. So I beg of God to complete me, to fill in that gap. And I feel I get nothing in return.

What do I do from here?

I feel like every single time I escape the grasp of this all encompassing plethora of emotions, I get sucked right back in within the hour. Oh God, what do I do? I'm helpless. I can't, I just can't live life like this. All I want to do is take back every wrong that I've done to cause this. But I'm trapped knowing I can't. I'm trapped knowing that this is all my own doing, that this pain I'm feeling, every single bit of it is MY fault.

Even now I feel jealousy, despair and self hatred creeping in. One would think writing all of this would be liberating, but as I think about the future, every single one of these feelings grips me in tandem. It's horrifying. It's absolutely terrible to think that you ruined your future, your chance at happiness.

I don't know what to do. After i finish writing this I'm going to go try and read, if I can even clear my mind enough to do that. I've never been able to not read. It's always been my escape, my home away from home. Now it's just a pitiful little shanty in the middle of nowhere, absolutely useless. I feel as if I will never escape this. I could try to sleep, but I can't. I simply can't. Scratch that, I can't even try to sleep. I literally have to exhaust myself to even consider it. I'm afraid of the thoughts going through my own head. I'm afraid to lie there alone.

I just want it back God. Why does the one thing that makes me truly happy have to be so close yet so far. I know they aren't doing it on purpose, I know that. I know that it's the last thing they would ever consider. But why does this have to hurt so much. WHY? It's not just hurt, it's desperation. It's jealousy. Jealousy like I've never felt before. It rips through my senses, through my thoughts. When I am in the grip of it, nothing else matters. I CAN NOT have that.

Why can't I just be happy that they're happy? WHY AM I PLAGUED BY MY OWN SELFISHNESS? God please, please just take that from me. It's ruining me, it's hurting my loved ones. It's killing me from the inside. Please God, make me whole again, shape me in your image God. I don't want this life. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be this person anymore.

All I am is a monster.

Make me whole God.