Heartless.

And I’ll close my eyes, and I’ll dream of a better time
when I’ll finally be past this and I'll be happy on my own.
I’ve done all I can, still the one to have been cast aside.
All I ever wanted to be was be the one who’d wipe those tears from your eyes.
You tell me that you care, and then you run straight back to him.
I can hear your voice of treason from a mile away.

You literally make me sick. It's been one day since we spoke.

I literally feel physically ill. I cannot fathom the amount of pure disregard for human emotion it takes to do what you did. Don't pretend you didn't know I would find out.

HOW DARE YOU.

You let me sing you to sleep. You lied with me, rested your head on my shoulder. Put your arms around me. Told me you love me. As you cried, you told me you don't know right from wrong. You said you're just so confused. A week ago you told me you weren't ready to be with anyone. Now a guy says that God told him he's going to marry you and you're all over him. Regardless if that is the deciding reason, you played me.

How dare you.

How dare you give me that hope, how dare you play me like that. "You can plan on seeing me new years". Riiiiiiiiight. Were you planning on having me call on Christmas to wish you happy holidays, and breaking it to me right there, ruining the entire day for me? Or were you going to do it on new years, and shatter any semblance of hope or excitement I might have right then and there? Whether or not you saw it coming, or if it was already happening, you freaking played me. I showed you my hand, I gave everything to you, and you screwed me over. I was right from the very start.

I know I hurt you, but I guarantee you that wasn't a fraction of what you have done. You say you love me, and you do this.

How is it that you were so confused two nights ago, and all of the sudden things cleared up? One of two things could explain that. You were either A) lying to my face or B) you're still really confused. Either way, you made a bad choice. There's no way you suddenly had an epiphany in the past two days. Even then, you're the one who told me not even a week ago that you didn't want to be in any relationship. "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!!!" you told me. Riiiiiiight. And I wonder at the same time if he knows how you were with me, how we were when we hung out together, less than a week ago. Are you playing him as well? I'd love to see how you explain that.

There is no explanation that you can fabricate to make this an acceptable endeavor. None. You know the saddest part of this all? You could call me right now, tell me you wanted me back, and I would come running. I would jump through hoops to get you back, even now. That's how strong of a hold you have on me. Because deep down, I truly love you. Is that right, especially given the circumstances? I don't know, but that love is still there.

Is writing this the right thing to do? No, but I honestly feel like I am going to explode if i don't get it out somehow. I need this release. I need to let you know I'm not ok. Maybe it will help me get over it, more than likely it won't. Part of me doesn't even want to publish this, part of me still has hope that one day we'll still be together. I'm so freaking pathetic. God, please help me.

And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Lord, please let this be true.