Ping Pong.

I'm playing ping pong with my emotions right now. There are three players, unlike a traditional game of ping pong. These players happen to be named anger, sadness and faith. And right now the ball is bouncing wildly between the three. It's terribly confusing.

Anger, I admit with no pride whatsoever, is in the lead. Anger's first name happens be jealousy by the way, but you probably already figured that out. It seems to be all consuming, when it takes over, I want nothing but to make a certain person's life hell. And I hate to say it, but in the moment, it feels good. It seems like the only thing I can do to gain control of my situation. That by no means makes it right, or true for that matter. All I want to do when i feel like this is tell the person to never speak to me again, to tell them how wrong they are, to tell them how horrible of a person they are. I pretty much just want to inflict as much hurt as possible. Thankfully, I have friends that keep me from acting on most of these impulses. But it's always in the background, relentlessly trying to crawl to the surface and rear its disgusting head.

Second is sadness. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I really didn't have time to come up with a better word. As it is now, anger has become the dominant feeling in my head, and all the feelings of despair and such have taken a backseat. But they are still there, nonetheless. And I can feel them. I am thankful for the anger in a way, because it almost numbs out all the depression. But it doesn't mean it's less painful. And I know that just beneath the coating of red that is rage, there lies a vast ocean of complete loss, totally void of hope. I feel the minute that this temporary shield of rage falters, I will drown in that ocean. I'm not going to go much further into this, because if you've read my previous entries, you know all about this. If you haven't, then feel free to.

Last, but by no means because it's less important, is faith. My faith in God. My faith that this is all for the best. This will sound stupid, but my friend showed me a song by Relient K called "Let it All Out", and this one line has kept me going, from being consumed by all these terrible emotions:

And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

I pray this is the case. I Pray that all this pain that God is putting me through has a bigger purpose. And part of me believes it wholeheartedly. That's what keeps me going. I just need to make sure this part of me prevails. I have a feeling that regardless of the outcome, or how terrible I feel now, this will bolster my faith in God.

All I can do right now is attempt to move on and take this chance to really strengthen my relationship with God. This by no means suggests that I'm ok with the situation, but I will push on nonetheless. Let's finish this up with some words from my friend Jeremy:

I gave you everything I had, until I had nothing left.
And Still you act as if I’m just a burden.
I’ve finally let go.
Let go
Let go

P.S. To anyone who is reading this or has read my blog thus far, I humbly thank you. It means a lot knowing that anyone cares enough to take a peek.